Color Me A Rainbow

I just saw the movie, Inside Out.  I would recommend it for everyone!   It was so creative and Colorful and insightful.  I was reluctant to see it but it made me see how we all struggle with different things.  It's crazy how our memories fuel our emotions.  Last night I attended the ballet recital with Hanna Jane Gemperline​.  I was not expecting the flood of emotion that came with the memory of sitting next to Jayna Brown Quinn​ for the last 16 Plus years.  With Cori Connors​ singing, little girls dancing and  the theme being "Color me a Rainbow," it was as if it was made just for her. She was my family that could not come to see my girls dance! She was my friend who wanted to come.  She commented and giggled through all the performances with delight and she even drove to Texas to see the recital they were in when we moved there. It was a place we shared together. I happened to have a spare seat next to me and I felt her there more than ever. I had worn her scarf that she bought in Santorini when we were there,  around my neck. and I cried through the entire first half.!   It's times like these, that have her stamp of approval that I miss her the most.  "She would have loved it!"  She would have had wonderful and artistic thoughts that she would have whispered to me.  I miss that.

 Some things are just not the same and last night was one of them.  It was a bitter sweet experience that I understand is part of the process of loving someone enough that the pain is intense when they are gone.  I now  understand from watching this movie today that Pain and Joy cant exist without each other.  We all fear, judge, get angry and confused but its sadness and joy that bring us together to help one another.  Jayna has taught me so much about these things and she allowed me to have them all. She never needed me to be one or the other and I need to allow others this same gift. I hear her validations.  They keep me going. I see her in Art and Color and Laughter.  I feel her when I most miss her by the memories and emotions that I still get to feel in this existence.  Just like a beautifully performed danced, there is a beginning and an end.  The feelings left with us are touched by our memory and experiences we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to.  If we had never chosen to dance then we would miss the opportunities for true JOY.  She loved us well.  We feel it still.

Jayna's Gifts

I am creating. She would want me to keep creating. If I want to stay out of the shadows of fear and loss,  I need to accept and believe that I am inherently good enough to deserve the light and blessing I deserve if I but seek it.  The light feels better, laughing feels better, believing feels better than waiting in the shadows. I am here today. Alive. I am sensing all that is around me. I am enjoying the day even though its cloudy and grey. The world is good and I am okay. The white and grey shades of the cloud formations that enclose the mountains are just hiding the green explosion that will soon erupt  from beneath. The sun will always come out! It's time for the world to create beauty and new life.  It's my job to capture it, to see it, and to appreciate it how ever I can. That is what she would want.

This week was very hard at the passing of my dearest friend, I didn't know, or had forgotten how much the pain hurts. In remembering her, I have taken a few photos of the many gifts she has given me over the years. They are sweet to me because she gave them with such care and thought.  When I walk outside, I think of her with me as we see the beauty everywhere. I know she is seeing it in much better color than I am and I am grateful to the Lord for his tender mercy in comforting me and helping me to see his love. The gifts that she gave that were of no material worth will be the most valued.  Her listening ear, her infections laugh, her gentle wisdom and unconditional love will radiate in my mind forever.  Her faith was unwavering and her patience enlarged as she bore many trials with a smile. He artistic eye and adventurous spirit will hopefully will go with me still.  She is my angel of creation and love.  She is my biggest fan and I am hers.  Her spirit and influence are eternal.

A scripture that I came across this week that really helped me is.....

Always a pooh fan

 Jacob 3: 1-2 But behold, I Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause..... Oh all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love, for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever."

Because I love Geraniums

View from Villa Amore

I realized while sitting in the temple that it is there that we can find true peace. It is with him and only him that the comforter speaks to our minds. I need to keep my mind firm and immovable in faith that he is there, that he exists and that he knows what is best for me. I need to believe that she can know my thoughts and how I feel about her. I need to believe that she is still here and with us. I need to know that she can understand how amazing she was and what a huge part of my life she filled. I know in that perfect day ahead we will have a glorious reunions and that for now, I still have work to do.